39 Thoughts I Had While Watching Doctor Who: The Witch’s Familiar

In the words of the great philosopher Jeremy Scott: spoilers, duh.

  1. Ah, so Clara and Missy aren’t dead. I’d say ‘no prizes for guessing’ but I WANT A PRIZE.
  2. Look, I know Clara Oswald’s the Impossible Girl and all of that but there is no way she hangs upside down like that for that long without the blood going to her face. She should be actually purple right now.
  3. Where did they get that footage of Tom Baker creeping from behind a pillar like he’s in a panto? That must have taken longer than the entire rest of the episode put together.
  4. Why is this filmed in black and white? Did they run out of cameras and have to tear CCTV ones off the wall of Broadcasting House?
  5. Who’s he looking up at? There aren’t any assassins up there. Does he know there’s a camera?
  6. He did all of that in four nanoseconds? Those are astonishing reflexes for four nanoseconds. If you’re a Time Lord, do you get to be… is he Spiderman?
  7. Is she Spiderman?
  8. Look- you brought Missy back from the dead last week without any explanation at all. I don’t know why you’re bothering trying to make up some post facto reason why she and Clara aren’t dead now. No one really thought: well, that was an unceremonious ejection from the series for Jenna Coleman and Michelle Gomez. I hope they got good severance packages.
  9. What do you mean the Doctor always thinks he’ll win? He always thinks he’ll lose, at least until three-quarters of the way through the episode. He literally wrote his will before he went into this.
  10. Hahahahaha ‘pointy stick’… I love Michelle Gomez so much. If she isn’t nominated for a Bafta for this I will- I don’t know what I’ll do. Something unbelievably melodramatic.
  11. Duh duh duh duh. Duh duh duh duh.
  12. Look, Doctor, you’re centuries old and you’re a genius and please god just kill him you really never learn.
  13. I am convinced they’ve got one CG shot of the Daleks rising into the air over Skaro and they just keep flipping it and playing it at different speeds.
  14. In what circumstances did Davros lose his legs? We’ve established that on his homeworld their ‘mines’ just pull you into the earth, so he can’t have had them blown off. Were they amputated? Did they just… fall off?
  15. Peter Capaldi is sitting in a high chair. I don’t care that it’s a Dalek. It’s a high chair. I am now perfectly happy.
  16. Yeah, no, he’s not dead either.
  17. Clara, do not take your eyes off her. Do not look down there. Watch her hands, she’s going to push y- nope, that was your own fault.
  18. Yes, Doctor. The question of where you got a cup of tea is a very good one. Are you going to answer it…? No, I didn’t think you would.
  19. No. No. No. There is no way on any planet in any godfearing universe that anyone can fall twenty feet into a sewer and still have their hair that perfect. No. I have held onto my suspension of disbelief through thick and thin for you, Doctor Who, but here is where I draw the line. Thus far and no further.
  20. Interesting setup with the sewers. I don’t imagine that will be crucial to the plot at any later point at all.
  21. Do they have speakers in the sewers? Who for, the rotting half-corpses of Daleks? Do they play musak for them every so often, as a treat?
  22. Ah, the Mud of Doom. I have missed you.
  23. That Dalek just exploded with enough force to shake the tunnels and send a cloud of dust ten feet away. Is it… working, then, now? Can Clara just climb into it? Those are hardy things, those Daleks. Do they get MOTed?
  24. But why do you have any chairs on Skaro at all? Does Davros curl up on this one with a book and a gramophone?
  25. You know, Davros… there is a chance, a very small chance, that this might go wrong. There’s a tiny possibility that when you offer the Daleks’ greatest enemy the chance to destroy every single one of them in a second that he might take it. I hate to bring this up, but… if this plan is purely designed so that you can give a big speech about the Doctor’s flaws, then this is one of the stupidest plans I’ve ever seen on television. And I watch Downton Abbey.
  26. This entire ‘cancer of compassion’ speech might be laughable if it were in anyone’s hands but Peter Capaldi’s. In his, it’s heartbreaking and brilliant and I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about him. Including that he looks like a “drunk Glaswegian otter”.
  27. Clara, this woman has tried to kill you any number of times. When on earth are you going to learn not to follow her blindly?
  28. At the ten-second mark I thought the ‘Daleks can’t express emotion’ scene was an intriguing and though-provoking tangent in the script. Now we’re a full minute in and I am absolutely sure someone’s going to live or die off the back of this. Possibly an entire species.
  29. No, no, Doctor, please don’t talk about deep things with Davros. Dear God no. Don’t- no, please don’t feel pity or sympathy for him. Nothing good can possibly come of this. Oh, Christ, they’ve brought out the violins.
  30. And the sunrise. They’ve invoked the power of ‘the sunlight on the dying person’s face’. This. Ends. Badly. Every. Single. Time.
  31. I told you!
  32. And you, Clara, by the way! I told you as well! Why do none of you guys listen to me?
  33. Oh no, Doctor. There is no way you knew what would happen when you touched the Broadband Snake Cables of Death.
  34. Missy, I would have thought you of all people would know: if you want someone dead, you kill them yourself, and you do not let them talk. Under no circumstances at all do you let them beg for mercy.
  35. You know, if you hadn’t beaten it into us over many years that no one dies in Doctor Who without prelude, forewarning, and a heartwrenching goodbye, this could have been a truly haunting death for Missy. Chased down and cornered in an enemy base, laughing madly, brilliant and glorious and insane. But no. She’s had a ‘clever idea’. I mean, fair enough, no one wants Michelle Gomez to stay more than I do. But still.
  36. Firstly: you did the whole ‘glasses appear frivolous but are actually crucial’ thing nine years ago in Doomsday, and you bluffed it again last year in His Last Vow. Secondly: you are not getting rid of the screwdriver. I will not let you. That thing has been part of the series since 1963. No. I will protest in the streets. If Top Gear fans can drive a tank to BH to keep Jeremy Clarkson, I can drive a- well, no, I can’t drive- but I can be very angry very loudly if you try to get rid of the screwdriver.
  37. Aww, they’re walking off into the mist. You know… you do know you’re walking away from the Tardis, right? Into a warzone? A mined warzone? Where are you going?
  38. So… why was it called The Witch’s Familiar, then? I can sort of understand if the witch was Missy and Clara was her familiar, but this was an episode about sunrises and snakes and mercy and Clara being a Dalek. You had any number of amazing titles available to you, and you chose that? Ah, well, mine is not to reason why.
  39. DUH DUH DUH DUH. DUH DUH DUH DUH. Ah, who am I kidding, I will never stop loving this show. DUH DUH DUH DUH. DUH DUH DUH DUH. Oh, I’m happy.

About helenacoggan

Author and semi-professional teenager. Obsessions include Doctor Who, Harry Potter, feminism and writing down the voices in my head. Oh yeah, and technically I'm supposed to be at school, as well. London.
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1 Response to 39 Thoughts I Had While Watching Doctor Who: The Witch’s Familiar

  1. Rose Buck says:

    Loads of great points I totally agree and those cables even looked like a snake so the doctor must have been blind not to notice because come on this is a guy who noticed Kazran didn’t like Christmas because of the location of his armchair but when it’s a lot of wires looking completely different to the other cables he doesn’t notice, what? Also this is now the second time Clara has been a dalek but she didn’t say ‘mercy’ last time did she. Also I’m willing to protest loudly with you, sonic screwdriver all the way!


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